Paul Slansky's Weekly Index of the News

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Adams, Sam
• discussion by of four-year-old relationship of with sublimely named teenage intern Beau Breedlove

Bale, Christian
• control is lost by on set of Terminator 4
• loss of control by is remixed

Blagojevich, Rod
• refusal by to go away, for God's sake, just go away

Card, Andrew
• horror of at Obama's failure to comprehend the urgency of a strict White House dress code

Carter, Carol
• forwarding of e-mail to fellow Florida Republicans by ("How can 2,000,000 blacks get into Washington, DC in 1 day in sub zero temps when 200,000 couldn't get out of New Orleans in 85 degree temps with four days notice?") leads to resignation from state office by

Cheney, Dick
• continuing ominous growling of
• The Onion imagines appropriate humiliation for

Daschle, Tom
• 1986 campaign ad by mocking the "BMWs and limos" driven by the powerful in Washington is now hilarious
• Obama was informed of tax problems of in less-than-timely manner by

DMX
• 90-day jail sentence of

Fairey, Shepard
• efforts of Associated Press—after year-late realization that iconic Obama image designed by was based on an AP photo—to squeeze some money out of

groundhog
• hand of New York mayor Michael Bloomberg is bitten by
• Sue Simmons does impression of

James, Etta
• Beyonce and Obama are dissed by

King, Stephen
• Stephenie Meyer's writing is not appreciated by

Madoff, Bernard
• complete list of bilked clients of

mosquitos
• release of into the audience at TED conference by Bill Gates because "not only poor people should experience this"

Obama, Barack
• half-brother of wastes no time joining the ranks of embarrassing White House sibs (e.g. Billy Carter, Roger Clinton, Neil Bush) by getting busted in Nairobi for marijuana possession
• news anchors are serially told "I screwed up" by
• policy of to curtail exorbitant rewards for grotesque failure
• sudden attempt by journalist Robert Feuereisen to get autograph of during signing ceremony by is thwarted by Secret Service agents trained to prevent unexpected approaches to

Palin, Bristol
• various silly explanations for origin of first name of are offered by eternally truth-bending mother of

Phelps, Michael
• water-assisted inhalation of marijuana by

raccoons
• invasion of White House grounds by

Republican party
• black leadership bandwagon is climbed on by

Scalia, Antonin
• college student is scolded by for asking question insufficiently idolatrous of

snakes
• discovery of enormous 40-foot-long fossils of

Springsteen, Bruce
• acknowledgement by that deal giving exclusivity on greatest hits CD to labor-unfriendly Wal-Mart was, well, idiotic
• crotch-first slide into camera of during Super Bowl performance by

Stein, Ben
• withdrawal of as University of Vermont commencement speaker due to extreme unpopularity of among would-be listeners contemptuous of anti-science views of

Thatcher, Carol
• firing of by BBC after black tennis player is referred to by as a "golliwog"

Williamson, Bishop Richard
• skepticism about the Holocaust—and especially about the existence of gas chambers—of

Wurzelbacher, Samuel Joseph
• refusal by to go away, for God's sake, just go away

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