Bachmann, Rep. Michele
• intention of to strike a major blow against the empire and refuse to answer most of next year's census questions

Bay, Michael
• claim by that the King of Jordan is a "fan of Transformers" cries out for an emphatic royal denial

•claim by that Obama "likes my movies" cries out for an emphatic presidential denial

Becton, Elizabeth
• strong desire of to NOT BE CALLED "LIZ"!!!

Block, Francesca Lia
• burning — yes, actual setting fire to — of latest book by is urged by group of Christian extremists in Wisconsin

chickens
• increase in backyard raising of, to the general dismay of next-door neighbors

Clinton, Secretary of State Hillary
• fractured elbow of

DePass, Rusty
• Facebook posting about an escaped gorilla prompts racist comment by — "I'm sure it's just one of Michelle's ancestors" — that leads to the loss of the job of and the offering of the obligatory apology by

Edwards, John
• interview is granted by with the condition that no questions be asked about the only things people want answers about from, and the craven Washington Post agrees

Ensign, Sen. John
• severe setback is suffered by rumored 2012 presidential bid of after oh-so-deep regret is expressed by — and, really, how could it not have been, given the pious pronouncements of about the "sanctity" of marriage in the service of crusading against allowing gays to partake in it, and the membership of in the marital-fidelity-promoting male evangelical group the Promise Keepers, and the strident demands of for the resignations of Larry Craig and Bill Clinton in connection with their sex scandals — for a nine-month affair had by with a campaign staffer married to a friend of

Gibson, Mel
• song is co-written by with pregnant girl friend of

Goforth, Sherri
• regret is expressed by, not for sending out a racist email — a collage of images of the 44 presidents with Obama represented by a pair of white eyes against a black background — but merely for sending it out to the wrong list of people

Green, Mike
• racist tweet — "JUST HEARD OBAMA IS GOING TO IMPOSE A 40% TAX ON ASPIRIN BECAUSE IT'S WHITE AND IT WORKS" — is apologized for by

Horne, Tom
• efforts of to make ethnic studies in Tucson public schools illegal because they're "designed to promote ethnic chauvinism"

Iran "election"
• news, and more news, and still more news, and then some jokes about

Knox, Amanda
• jurors in Italian trial of for the throat-slitting murder of roommate of are told by that "from what I saw in CSI these things are not quick or pleasant" but, rather, "shocking, yucky, disgusting"

Lieberman, Sen. Joseph
• Guantanamo is described by as "as humane a facility as you're gonna find for prisoners of war"

Madonna
• collection of Malawian children of doubles in size

Manson, Marilyn
• self-pity of

Mohammed, Khalid Shaikh
• claims of that torture led to making up of stuff by

New York City
• drivers in are found to be America's angriest and most aggressive — "most likely to wave their fists or arms... most likely to lay on the horn... most likely to make some sort of obscene gesture" — in road rage survey

New York Post
• evident sense of that the circumstances of David Carradine's death were insufficiently humiliating prompts revelation by that, in addition to his fatal affinity for ultra-kinky sex, he was a lousy tipper

Obama, President Barack
• emptiness of post-Inauguration pronouncement by that "my Administration is committed to creating an unprecedented level of openness in Government" is exposed by refusal of to reveal names of visitors to the White House

• gays are justifiably unenamored of

Palin, Gov. Sarah
• praise for U.S. troops is hamhandedly jammed into grudging sort-of-acceptance by of David Letterman's abject apology to while the idiotic media babbles about it endlessly as if any of it had any significance whatsoever beyond the amusing fact that a national punch line is complaining about a joke

• risqué double entendre about is unapologetically offered by Andy Borowitz

Panetta, C.I.A. Director Leon
• Cheney's recent national security speech prompts observation by that "it's almost as if he's wishing that this country would be attacked again, in order to make his point"

PETA
• preference of for "brushing flies away rather than killing them" is expressed in response to Obama's on-camera slaughter of buzzing pest

El Pollo Loco
• KFC is accused of grilling chicken with beef ingredients by

puppy
• flushing of down London toilet is survived by

Republican party
• zombieness of is pointed out by lifelong member of, who also notes its "goonish intolerance" and "halitosis of self-righteousness"

Russert, Tim
• good grief, they still can't stop talking about

Scientology
• ad campaign is launched by

sharks
• frozen carcasses of are used to smuggle lots of cocaine

Simpson, O.J.
• controversy about current whereabouts of suit worn by on the day of acquittal of serves as reminder that — ha ha! — a jail cell is home to now

Tancredo, Tom
• links of to anti-immigration vigilante organization charged with the murder of a man and his nine-year-old daughter

Twitter
• praise of in connection with this week's use of by Iranians is put in perspective

Washington Post
• Dan Froomkin, the single best journalist at, is fired by, while unreadable hacks like Richard Cohen and David Broder (you know, the "dean" of the navel gazers) and torture defenders Charles Krauthammer and Bill Kristol are retained by