This Preposterous Week! Paul Slansky's News Index

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Barrett, Justin
• placement of on administrative leave by the Boston Police Department leads to assertion by that "I am not a racist. I did not intend any racial bigotry, harm or prejudice," leaving observers to ponder the actual intention of when mass e-mail was sent by describing Henry Louis Gates Jr. as a "banana-eating jungle monkey" — a phrase acknowledged by as a "poor choice of words"
• pondering by observers can stop, as attorney for explains that intention of was not "to malign [Gates] racially" but was merely "a characterization of the actions of that man"

Beck, Glenn
• Obama is doltishly called a "racist" with "a deep-seated hatred for white people" by

beer
• much ado about

Berens, Ricky
• exposed butt of

birthers
• description of by Stephen Colbert as "decent, old-fashioned Americans who just want to overturn a democratic election"
• desperate need of to cast Obama presidency as illegitimate
• imbecility of is so blatant that even the far right is denouncing

Borowitz, Andy
• America is deemed "less safe" by now that Palin is "no longer keeping an eye on Russia"

Cohen, Richard
• self-pitying column by is appropriately savaged

Cunningham, Merce
• death of

Daniels, Stormy
• campaign by for adulterer David Vitter's Senate seat suffers setback with arrest of for battering husband after becoming "upset because the way the laundry had been done"

Denny's
• excessively salt-laden meals served by result in lawsuit against

Dobbs, Lou
• disingenuous defense of by CNN president Jonathan Klein

Foxx, Rep. Virginia
• debunking of claims by that Obama's health care plan will "put seniors in a position of being put to death by their government"

Hill, Clayton
• obituary of praises performance in Dawn of the Dead as "one of the most convincing zombies of the bunch"

Jackson, Michael
• doctor who administered fatal injection of propofol to — because, come on, how's a person supposed to fall asleep without an anesthetic drip? — is a candidate for a manslaughter charge
• missing nose of
• rabbi friend of once asked Katie Couric if she was available to go on a date with
• signers of online petitions calling for Nobel Peace Prize nomination for seem destined to be disappointed

Kristol, Bill
• Obama is called "arrogant" by, which is hilarious because, you know, there are those who'd say his predecessor was the walking — scratch that, strutting — embodiment of that particular adjective

Madonna
• terrifying arms of

McCain, Cindy
• opportunity is provided by for all of us to thank husband of for gifting us with Sarah Palin, though it's unclear if your message will be delivered unless you also give him money

Newsweek
• guffaw-inducing proposal is seriously made by

Ojofeitimi, Oyindamola
• scalding water is poured over genitals of unhappily surprised ("I didn't anticipate this at all") sleeping husband by

Palin, Sarah
• bill banning a beloved pastime of — shooting defenseless animals from aircraft — is introduced in the Senate
• Clear Channel is not interested in syndicating a radio show hosted by, so we may never get to hear blithering twaddle like this
• demagoguery of is noted by Carl Bernstein and Maureen Dowd
• hated reporters are told by that "our troops are willing to die for you" so "how 'bout ya quit makin' things up" in honor of the American soldiers so grotesquely exploited by
• quitting speech of is ridiculed by Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart and William Shatner and this blogger, and that blogger, and this other blogger, but maybe everyone's just being super mean for no reason and you should see the whole thing here, or read the transcript here, and decide for yourself

Rock, Kid
• assessment of Twitter as "gay" by

Rove, Karl
• claims of lack of involvement in firings of federal prosecutors turn out to be, according to newly obtained emails ... well, let's call them "misleading" for now and wait for Justice Department attorneys to weigh in

Shuster, David
• denial by of having a meltdown after accidental on-camera exposure of the bald spot of

Slansky, Paul
• regrets of for accidentally omitting from last week's index David Gregory's nauseating e-mail begging Mark Sanford to come on Meet the Press, the show that "allows you to frame the conversation how you really want to"

Stanley, Paul
• Tennessee state Senate is resigned from by "due to recent events," among them the revelation that an extramarital affair with a 22-year-old intern was had by

tanning beds
• study finds that cancer is caused by

texting truck drivers
• study finds that collision risk of is 23 times greater than that of non-texting truck drivers

Trout, Robert
• closing arguments of in bribery trial of former Rep. William Jefferson suggest that client of has been punished enough by losing his seat and becoming "the object of a national joke about money in the freezer," and besides, everyone in Congress is corrupt so isn't it a little unfair to single out this one guy just because his illegal demands for money were caught on tape?

Vereen, Rodell
• arrest of in 2007 for buggering a horse is followed two years later by arrest of for videotaped buggering of the same horse

Voinovich, Sen. George
• blame for the downfall of the Republican party — "We got too many Jim DeMints and Tom Coburns. It's the southerners" — is placed by

Wikipedia
Rorshach test images are posted by, creating unhappiness among psychologists