What Does GOP Stand For? Why, It's 'Gate-Crash Our Party,' of Course!

Lots of people want to attend an inaugural ball. You may be a die-hard Republican who has waited eight years to savor victory over a Democrat. Or you may be a demoralized Democrat wishing to drown your sorrows as George W. Bush takes the job that you believe was stolen from Al Gore.

And if you can afford to splash out $125 on a ball ticket (before the much-vaunted recession kicks in big time), what's to stop you? Well, the fact that all the balls have sold out might be something of a deterrent. Unfair as it may seem, all the tickets are gone — mainly to big contributors — and ball organizers are reluctantly returning checks.

Of course, you can either take this as a fait accompli — a done deal, in Texan — or you can invoke the spirit of noble Americans in the past who overcame massive disadvantages and used ingenuity to win the day. Take, for example, the outgoing President: Bill Clinton didn't just crumble in the face of allegations that he had cavorted with an intern in the Oval Office. And how about his nemesis, special prosecutor Ken Starr? He didn't give up when he discovered an almost total lack of evidence over the Whitewater or travel office "scandals." No siree! He simply found another way.

And if you're going to get into an inaugural ball, you have to be just as determined and inventive. So here are some tips on how to get into one of those balls.

Do bear in mind that security will be heavy. There are a lot of people quite angry at George W. Bush at the moment. Linda Chavez and Gov. Frank Keating, for example. So the Secret Service will be doing its best to protect our new president from spurned Cabinet appointees and others. Of course, that's when a touch of creativity comes in handy.

General Hints

First of all, you must look the part. Gentlemen must be in tuxedos. Nothing too sharp or Armani-ish, though. You need to achieve that middle-American-assistant-bank- manager-at-the-boss's-third-wedding look. Don Rumsfeld dressed by Tuxes-R-Us. Accessorize with cowboy boots, if you like. If you can back it up with a passable Texas drawl, wear a Stetson. But nothing over 15 gallons.

Ladies should remember one vital point. Ninety-nine percent of security guards are male. So dress accordingly. Your cleavage should plunge — almost as deeply as the NASDAQ. You might be cold, but let's face it: You have to suffer to gatecrash.

Method #1: The Tobacco Break

Thank heavens for the anti-tobacco lobby. Smokers have to exit buildings to light up. And many patriotic Republicans cannot go more than 10 minutes without smoking. So show up outside the building brandishing your own champagne glass (half-filled with sparkling apple cider) and puffing on a cigarette. You then walk toward the door and make a show of irritation as you extinguish your cigarette underfoot. Nod and smile slightly as you walk past the security guard. The smile conveying the subliminal message "Hello yet again! This is the third time you've seen me tonight as I keep coming in after a cigarette break" — the half-empty glass in your hand attesting to your status as a returnee.

Method #2: The Compassionate Entourage

In the '90s, the accessory of choice for wealthy adults attending tony parties were kids. Velcro a couple of overdressed tykes to your arm and you could walk into any ritzy affair without having to produce documentation. After all, who can expect busy parents to mess about with invitations? If you're there with the kids, you had to be legit. Well, the '90s are over. The new accessory for compassionate conservatives is a retinue of domesticated illegal aliens. Show up with a small entourage of non-documented pals (as Linda Chavez did for her withdrawal speech) and you are simply another caring conservative wearing your compassion on your sleeve. Nod to the security guards as you shepherd your foreign crew through with you. Your smile should say, "Yes, I care for them all and I bring them with me everywhere." No one will refuse admission to such a selfless angel. Once inside, discreetly slip your "pals" the agreed $25 per person. Or they could stay — if they enjoy this kind of affair.

Method #3: Right-Thinking Media

Every inaugural ball wants positive media coverage, and outside every inaugural event will be a table labeled "Media Check-in." Of course, all legitimate media will have arranged their credentials long in advance and will simply go by the table to register and collect their passes. But this table is not the impregnable Maginot Line you might think. With some ingenuity one can exploit certain vulnerabilities: A) There are always mistakes made in any media department; B) the senior media executives will probably be too busy inside the ball to adjudicate on "overlooked" names.

Your job is to politely but firmly convince the youngsters at the table that you ARE a legitimate member of the media. Moreover, not one of those namby-pamby liberals who dominate the media, but one of the embattled "few" who are on the, er, right side. If you look like you're under the age of 30, it's just plausible that you're one of the young eager-beaver producers at the Fox News Channel. Perhaps you work with firebrand heroes such as Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity? No one could refuse entry to such a brave footsoldier! Maybe you're a reporter just back from yet another visit to Arkansas searching for reasons why Bill Clinton should be indicted? That makes you a member of the club.

If you are thwarted, don't make a scene. Just pull out your cell phone and ostensibly call "your boss" to explain why you can't join him/her. At that point you then solicit the full name of the person who has denied you entry, as though in response to your boss's query. It will be a brave staffer who continues to deny you rightful entry. If all else fails blame Al Gore for refusing to concede the election. It shortened the preparation time for the inaugural — and thus caused this bureaucratic slip-up. Remember, it's never the publicist's fault. It's always those darn liberals!

If you have tried any or all of the above methods, but are still denied access, don't despair. There are eight balls on inauguration night. Consult your Washington street map and head on to the next party.