Conservatives Stage a 'Funeral' for Clinton

>"We have only two days before we have to become compassionate," said conservative columnist L. Brent Bozell to the jubilant crowd of 450 at Thursday night's "memorial service for the most blatantly corrupt presidency in history," organized by the conservative-leaning Media Research Center, of which Bozell is president. Officially billed as "The Funeral: A Conservative Celebration of the Death of the Clinton Administration," the evening was dedicated to roasting the nearly departed with a vengeance. Of course, Bozell was only kidding when he said that compassion would reign in 48 hours. Given the temptation that Senator Hillary Clinton has put in their path, as well as the need to fill columns and airwaves over the next four years, the knives are not going back into the drawer any time soon. Besides, said Bozell, "We need fund-raising fodder. They left her behind for us."

Although it was a fund-raiser, it was not a night for charity. The host and eulogists were attired in dark suits and the podium was decorated with large funeral wreaths encircling a photograph of President Clinton. Even the minister who delivered the invocation, the Rev. Jerry Falwell, couldn't resist a dig at the latest Democrat to be embroiled in a scandal. "Jesse Jackson is coming to give the benediction," he joked, before going on to lead the blessing.

"A Winston-Salem, N.C., alderman, Vernon Robinson, in town for the festivities, also took a jab at Jackson. "The Clinton administration is going where it should go given that Jesse Jackson is it's moral compass."

Of Linda Tripp's plastic surgery

Key Lewinskygate figure Lucianne Goldberg — it was she who channeled Linda Tripp's tapes to prosecutors and the media — put on her best faux stricken expression when asked if she minded missing the President's farewell speech to attend the event. "Oh, my God. I feel terrible," she jested. "Is he pardoning Susan [McDougal] tonight? I think he's doing all those pardons tonight. I don't care as long as he's gone. He can take them all with him."

She hasn't seen Tripp in two years, she said as she stood outside the ballroom to have a cigarette. "Her lawyers won't let me. But I can get messges to her.... Did you know that at one time she had more money in her legal defense fund than Clinton had in his?" Then she described the plastic surgery nightmare that Tripp has endured. "Two massive surgeries... Her chin was over here, her eye was over there." Then the Washington Monarch Hotel's smoke alarm went off — for the first of at least three times that evening.

Bozell was the Master of Condolences, and Christopher Buckley and Jackie Mason were the Euolgists. Others who gave toasts included Pat Boone, Kate O'Beirne, Cal Thomas and R. Emmett Tyrrell, Jr. Judge Robert Bork attended: "I've never seen a back I've found more attractive," he quipped of the departing President.

Linda Chavez attended because she likes Bozell and because "you always get a good laugh at his events." She said she was "relieved and happy.... I think President Bush is going to lead this country to great things. He's a wonderful man." Conservative Georgia congressman Bob Barr said he was looking forward to the Bush administration, but that "it's a subdued jubilation" because of the 50-50 split in the Senate, and he added that "it will take us many years to undo the damage" that Clinton had done to the country.

A film premiered

Shirley Allison, a flamboyant former talk show host of "Seattle Today" and "Northwest Today," is now a media consultant for "Christian, conservative Republican candidates" and lives in Annapolis. She left the NBC affiliate in Seattle because "I was the only Christian and the only Republican. I was tired of playing devil's advocate and getting throttled for my beliefs." She's going to both the Christian Coalition's Ball and to the Free Republic's "Count the White House Silverware Ball."

The formal part of the evening started with a "film tribute to the deceased." "The Clinton Legacy" showed footage of Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers, Kathleen Willey and Juanita Brodderick accompanied by a variation of "Mambo Number Five" retitled "A Little Bit of Monica on the Side." Another musical selection was "Who Let the Dogs Out" played over the footage of the Clintons dancing on a beach in their bathing suits. When the film got to Clinton's infamous denial, the audience gleefully shouted along in unison, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky."

As Christopher Buckley, the author of "Thank You for Smoking," took the stage, the smoke alarm went off. (A hotel spokesman said that there were more smokers than usual.) Then he was interrupted again by an announcement: "Please be advised that the alarm has been investigated and there is no emergency." Since this was a funeral of sorts, Buckley dabbed at his eyes with a napkin. "It's hard on me too," he jested. "Only two days to go. Still enough time to broker a lasting peace in the Middle East."

Rep. Barr, one of the president's harshest critics and the last to speak, chose rhyme to close the evening:

"May your privileges scatter, and your opinions no longer matter.

"May you enjoy life in show biz, and someday discover what 'is' is."