Friday, Jun. 09, 2006

Deutschland 2006 Turns Up The Heat

Posted Friday, Jun 9, 2006
Ahhh. Remember the Euro in 2004? Remember Greece winning the whole shebang by digging in its defensive hooves, hee-hawing till attacking opponents ran themselves ragged, then won — usually on anemic headers popping out of confused dog-piles stacked up in front of goal mouths? The crowning moment of European self-defacing glorification of footballing constipation cum rigor mortis? Go back even further.Tired of the Italian penchant for avoiding, at all costs, goals that whip sports writers (talk about oxymorons that could kill!) when catenaccio defenses un-naccio? Want to see a fan of French pro football break the national law against smiling broadly in approval as teams actually score. Sick of Germany (I'd stop right there, but that'd be bad form so early on) playing, grinding, plodding ahead without the slightest hint of serendipitious offensive elation?

Well, Deutschland 2006 is here to tell you all that defensive drudgery may be no more. Consider this: eight goals scored in two matches, for an average of (quit scratching your head) four goals per game — or one trembling net every 22.5 minutes. At that pace, Kaiser Becklenbauer's soccer party is set to rack up 464 goals over the 58 games between now and the final. Not bad. Mana from heaven, even. Beaucoup slick. And as any defensive player will tell you: all the ball's fault.

But will that pace last well past match two and into the leg-swollen, fatigue-plagued stages of, say, match three, four, and five? Probably not. With England entering play tomorrow, Paraguay will have to score at least four goals to keep the fixture's average up to Friday night levels. Fortunately, Argentina and the Ivory Coast follow, meaning even if they day's other matches bog down in scorelessness, we're still assured of at least a dozen scores when Didier Drogba gets the banking shot just right off the carpeted forehead of Juan "Uuugh!" Sorin.

Meanwhile, once Argentine stricker Lionel Messi gets ancient Hernard Crespo under to oxgen tent, he'll probably have enough energy to pound a score of his own right up the Elephants', uh, cage. In fact, scoring may get so nutzy early on that fans around the world may not only come to learn the name of French coach Raymond Domenech — but even praise his decision for replacing injured Liverpool striker Djibril Cisse with Lyon cipher Sidney Govou. By the time France enters the ball against Switzerland on the 13th, scoring-weary fans will fall drop-dead in love with Govou — a guy who never saw a barn door he couldn't miss.

But until then, let's not bury World Cup 2006's scoring Ceasars, but rather praise them. The first evening of point-racking was fun to watch — especially the two scored on offsides so flagrant one wondered if Ray Charles wasn't still alive after all. Let's hope the offensive pyrotechnics continue. A bit of change is always nice.