'Survivor 3': The Hollywood Audition

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Sprawled out on a beach blanket on the slow-moving line I encountered Tu-Tu, a beautiful Amerasian girl of 26 who was so languid ("I'm a beach nut") she could barely raise herself up to speak. Did she have the guts and drive to fight her way through a series of brutal encounters? She politely explained that she had spent several years undertaking training in the Military Police at Fort McCullen, Ala., experience she had turned to good use since she now was in real estate. I apologized and deferred to her decision to rest up for her ordeal.

I found a sharp-eyed woman wandering the line much as I was, gazing at the assembly of wannabes. She turned out to be Lynne Spellman, the casting director for the series. Even though she and her associates would be evaluating entrants by their video tapes, she still regarded it useful to scour the line trying to sort out the wheat of the true contenders from the chaff of Tinseltown showoffs.

She told me that the show receives literally thousands of homemade audition tapes from would-be tribe members, and that she and her staff have to wade through every single one. I asked what sort of behavior she had seen. Apparently everything. Many aspirants have felt it necessary to prove how open-minded they are, and, indeed, open-palated. Among improbable comestibles she has seen consumed on camera have been worms, crickets and a school of goldfish. She also reported seeing a man videotaped in a hospital who claimed to be a gynecologist. He was munching on what he said was placenta.

Jean was an "aspiring actress" and dressed like an extra from the '60s safari series "Daktari" — a fact that had also caught Jay Leno's eye. He had in fact encouraged her to twirl for his camera to show off her Banana Republic duds. Unveiling her jacket to reveal her lacy bodice had been her idea. Would she be comfortable in that outfit on the show? "They allow you to take one luxury. My luxury is to dress like a Valley Girl."

Michael (a 41-year-old audio engineer) looked to be an unlikely cast member. He was hobbling on two crutches. "I have a shattered kneecap," he explained. But this was no problem for him. "It'll be healed by the time they shoot the series." And what if he wasn't 100 percent fit by then? "My 90 percent is better than all these people's 100 percent" he said, gesturing at a slew of actor-ish types behind him.

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Mike, a chunky 28 year-old payroll administrator looked like someone who'd lost a serious bet. He was wearing a fluffy pink and white bunny outfit with some outsize mammeries. He was carrying a cardboard sign that said "I Will Starve For Survivor 3." Mike was grumpy because he felt Jay Leno had made a fool of him. "He treated me like I was some type of joke." One wondered how many seconds he would have lasted in the Australian outback.

One of the most imaginative applicants was a 27-year-old Mexican waiter called Victor who was wearing nothing but some tan leather chaps that he confessed he'd made from an unwanted sofa. He also had a pal he introduced as his agent who held a huge sign giving 10 reasons why his client should be selected for the show.

Reason number one was that Victor was apparently the only waiter in L.A. who did not want to become an actor. Though apparently he was happy to have an agent.

I wandered down to the front of the line. Under a canopy I discovered three camera setups. I decided to watch some of the would-be Survivors give their all.

"Narm-mah-yah, Horr-ang-ee, Yer-koor...." one girl kept murmuring with her eyes closed and her hands in the universal position of prayer. Then she opened her eyes and said "I'm Donna and I'm a marathon runner. I'm the ultimate Survivor. Thank you for listening." After she finished I asked her what she had been saying. "It's a Buddhist chant" she explained "but I have no idea what it means." Apparently a pal had told her that it might impress the producers.

A spunky El Salvadoran girl called Nayelly was fired up, wearing a tight T-shirt with the words "Boy Beater" emblazoned across her chest. Won't that intimidate the male producers of the show? "No," she said, "men like to be smacked around."

Next up was one of the great contenders. Dressed in safari duds with green camouflage paint smeared on his face and brandishing a military water bottle with a muddy concoction was Michael. "I'm Michael Morningstar" he announced to the camera. "I'm 47, I'm married with three kids and I want to do this! I'm an assistant scout master, and I'm not frightened to kill!" He held up a lanyard round his neck bearing two outsize animal teeth. "These come from a javelina I killed recently! That's a wild hog and I can't wait to kill again! And I'll drink swamp water!" I watched astonished as he then gulped down several inches of the cloudy liquid.

He finished up by performing a striptease, ripping off his jacket and shirt to reveal a semi-buffed torso. "Not bad for 47!" he exclaimed then added that he was a health care expert and even if he wasn't selected he was offering to give free medical seminars for all CBS executives. I guessed that the swamp water might be an extra charge.

I asked him where he was from. "Flew in last night from Sugarland, Texas," he answered. Apparently a friend had mentioned it to him. I pointed out that he could have just sent in a tape by mail. "And miss this?" he asked gesticulating at the circus behind him. He had a point.

And still they poured forth. One woman dressed as a beauty queen complete with tacky crown and a sash that declared her Mrs. United Nation. "Shouldn't that be 'Nations‚' plural?" I asked? "Oh, that's a different organization," she explained, and gave me a card that confirmed that she was indeed the winner of this little-known contest for married women. Not affiliated with the United Nations. Whew...

J.D. started off by singing the theme song from "Gilligan's Island," and then bellowed at the camera "Look me in the eye! I am the Outdoors!" Afterward he confided to me that he was also a 47-year-old dental technician. As previously noted, everyone in L.A. is a hyphenate. His business card probably reads "Dental Technician/The Outdoors."

Tony was clearly the winner in the outrage stakes. I watched slack-jawed as the 33-year-old self-styled "Internet entrepreneur" from Orange County pronounced that he was "into recycling" and he was prepared to "eat anything." At which point he smeared a semi-melted Kit-Kat bar all over his face, leaving no doubt as to his message. I asked him if he had planned that rather gruesome stunt long ago. "Nah! Made it up a few minutes ago in line. Cool, huh?!" I realized that he'd been standing in the sun for several hours, and made a mental note not to watch "Survivor 3" if he was selected.

Maybe these contenders had not read the small print on the application form they'd signed. They had all given CBS the irrevocable right to use these videotapes (including those of rejected applicants) in any way they see fit. Coming soon to a late-night TV slot near you: commercials for a home video called "Survivor Applicants Gone Wild!" Order now and get the bonus tape "Topless Co-Ed Survivors."

Finally I sauntered over to my competitor in cross-examination, Jay Leno. Leno was sporting an amused expression as he completed yet another interview. What did he think? "Well, this is just your typical Hollywood casting call. You have everyone from Harvard Ph.D's to your average street psychotic." Did he worry that by doing this feature he was helping boost a show on a rival network? "This isn't about networks. This is about TV." Clearly tapping into the "Survivor" phenomenon transcends traditional network reticence to promote shows on competing TV webs.

Finally, as Leno spotted another likely candidate, I asked him how he thought he would fare as a "Survivor" candidate. He paused a beat, perhaps reflecting on his own career path through the shoals of network TV executives who had underestimated him, and simply said: "I already survived!" He shot me a sly grin and strode off to interview another member of the freak show that was "Survivor 3: The Hollywood Audition."

It's time to pray for a settlement of the imminent writers'‚ and actors'‚ guild strikes. I have seen the future of reality TV — and it's going to be extremely tough to survive.