Author Application for Oprah's New Book Club

ABOUT YOUR BOOK

True or False: I agree with your decision to emphasize classic books, which I would define as books by forgotten 18th-century English economists, religious maniacs or travelers, bound in leather with stamped gold lettering, and most often found lined up side by side on the shelves of infrequently visited reading rooms in unstylish New England country inns.

1. My book perfectly fits your new emphasis on classics. It is a classic:
a) hack job ___, b) hatchet job ___, c) ripoff ___, d) fiasco ___, e) publishing mistake ___, f) beginner's folly ___.

2. My book's setting is atmospheric enough to fit your Club's new idea of doing location shoots. Its setting is:
1) A Turkish brothel ___, 2) Fin de Siecle Indianapolis ___, 3) Saddam Hussein's rumpus room ___, 4) Oprah's bank vault ___.

3. My book includes AT LEAST TWO of the following:
Spiritual epiphany ____ Critically ill pet ____ Near-death experience ____ Childhood trauma ____ Loveable rogue ____ Botched operation ____ Sunrise ____

4. My book is (CHECK THREE):
Inspirational ____ Informational ____ Confessional ____ Autobiographical ____ Dedicated to Oprah ____ Commercial ____ Very Commercial ____

5. My book will make people (CHECK ONE):
Sniffle ___ Bawl ___ Howl ___ Think ___ Re-examine their lives ___ Retch ___

6. My book is backed by a $___ million promotional campaign and has a first printing of ___,000 copies.

7. My book has space on the front cover for an OPRAH BOOK CLUB PICK! sticker.

8. If your book does NOT include at least SIX of these phrases,
Unbearable pain / Grief / Dirt poor / Listen to your heart / Get up off the floor / It's what you overcome that counts / If I could only take it back / At peace / Sad brown eyes /

please explain ______________________________________

ABOUT YOU

A. Choose the phrase that MOST NEARLY describes you:

Nasty bastard who lost everything but found a measure of contentment through _____
Happy-go-lucky illiterate who'd never written anything before getting hit by a _____
Ninety-eight-year-old poet discovered by Oprah while working as a cashier at _____
Convicted criminal whose life was changed when he adopted a pet _____

B. A live studio audience would find me to be:
A phony ____ Inarticulate ____ Badly groomed ____ Smug ____ Glib ____ Funny-looking ____ Nuts ____ Narcissistic ____ A Blowhard ____

C. In my opinion, Oprah's credentials for recommending my books include:
a) Unbelievably rich and powerful ____ b) No time to read serious stuff ____ c) Smarter than Jerry Springer ____ d) Not as smart as Charlie Rose ____

D. I want my book to be selected for Oprah's book club because:
1) Last chance for a big score ___ 2) Would show up my high school English teacher ___ 3) My publisher would finally notice me ___ 4) Could then write a piece for a highbrow literary magazine about being on Oprah ___

Thank You For Your Interest in Oprah's Book Club!