January 19, 2004
Health
Gottman, a clinical psychologist, has essentially distilled the
art of love and war—a.k.a. marriage—into a kind of science.
After 30 years of such studies inside his physiology lab,
nicknamed the Love Lab, Gottman's group has developed a model
that he claims can assess whether a couple are on a path to
dysfunction. Now when Gottman wires up therapy clients and
videotapes them, "in the first three minutes of the conflict
discussion," he says, "we can predict if a couple is going to
divorce." He and research partner Robert Levenson of the
University of California, Berkeley, found that during arguments,
couples in stable relationships have five times as many positive
factors present as negative ones. "In relationships that were
working, even during conflict, there was a rich climate of
positive things, such as love, affection, interest in one
another, humor and support. Couples in unstable unions had
slightly more negative factors than positive."
Conflict is endemic in a relationship, Gottman says, but
adds—with peculiar precision—that "only 31% of conflicts get
resolved over the course of a marriage. The other 69% are
perpetual, unsolvable problems." His insight: don't bother trying
to fix the unfixable. Spend your energy on selecting a mate with
whom you can manage those inevitable annoyances, then learn how
to manage them. To admit some problems can't be solved is the
first step toward finding a larger solution. Says Gottman: "We
try to build up the couple's friendship, their ability to repair
conflict and to deal with their gridlock."
The Gottman technique usually involves a $495 two-day workshop,
followed by nine private therapy sessions costing $1,260, which
Gottman recommends as a supplement. These attempt to conquer the
four most common, corrosive negative factors in unstable unions:
criticism (You never ... You always ... ), defensiveness (Who me?
I'm not defensive), contempt (You're too stupid to realize how
defensive you are) and stonewalling (I'll just let it blow over).
Gottman says 85% of stonewallers are men.
Gottman fiercely protects the privacy of his patients and does
not provide names of couples to be interviewed. He says his
five-year follow-up study shows that after one year, about 75% of
the treated couples are happier, "[though] we haven't been able
to help the other 25% calm down. They stay irritable, cranky and
contemptuous."
LET'S GET SCHNARCHED!
That cranky quarter of the peace-seeking married contingent may
find a sympathetic soul in David Schnarch, author of the book
Passionate Marriage and creator of the Crucible Approach to
marital therapy, which upends nearly all the conventional tenets
of couples counseling. He says he is the therapist of last resort
for many couples who go to his Marriage and Family Health Center
in Evergreen, Colo., for an intensive four-day session: "The
worse shape your marriage is in, the more this is the approach of
choice." Nor does he recommend that a warring couple break
up—that's just "one way therapists can bury their errors."
Schnarch argues that the main issue for most troubled couples
"isn't their lack of communication skills. If spouses aren't
talking to each other, they are still communicating. They each
know they don't want to hear what the other has to say. But
communication is no virtue if you can't stand the message. We
help people to stand the message." He says couples don't get that
from conventional therapy, which tends to pathologize
relationships rather than work with their strengths. In the
Crucible system, "we don't treat people like they're sick. We
speak to the best in people, not their weaknesses. We're about
developing resilience and standing up for yourself." People in a
troubled marriage say they have grown apart. Schnarch says it's
the opposite. "They're usually locked together, emotionally
fused. More attachment doesn't make people happier, and it kills
sex."
Schnarch uses the word crucible in two senses: metallurgical (a
strong cauldron) and metaphorical (a test or trial). Both
definitions can aptly describe the state of marriage. So in his
therapy it's out with the elevator-music approach to saving
marriages, in with the hard rock and harsh truths. Dare to tear
apart the fuzzy, flabby, ego-suppressing dual personality that is
your marriage and find your inner you. That effort will create a
stronger individual, one who can deal with a partner with more
integrity and authenticity.
Ken Wapman, 45, manager at a Bay Area software firm, and Margee,
45, a therapist, had been married 18 years when they signed up
for Schnarch's program in 2001. Busy with their jobs and three
kids, their marriage was somewhere between O.K. and icky. "The
relationship was sustainable but not very satisfying," says Ken.
And their sex life, he says, "was like your commute. You could
practically do it with your eyes closed"—er, don't a lot of
people do it that way?—"but you don't really look forward to
it."
The Schnarch approach immediately appealed to Ken. "I liked that
he didn't pull any punches," says Ken, who used to disagree with
his wife and others just for the sake of it. "I used to use more
imperative-type language. Schnarch helped me to think about
developing more collaborative alliances." Working with Schnarch
after trying other therapists, says Ken, was like "jumping into a
Ferrari compared to driving a Toyota Celica."
Page 3 of 6 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6
Next > >
|
His life and death recalled in images
Animal Attraction
Where Our Sex Drive Comes From
Love Potions
The Passionate Love Scale
Premium Content
