January 19, 2004
Health
BRING ON THE DIVORCE BUSTERS
In a studio session to record a CD, David Roth, 39, a
Chicago-area sculptor turned singer-songwriter, was having
trouble with the part-time bass player—his wife Heidi Meredith.
Both had grown up in broken homes and hoped to avoid separation.
But after more than a decade together, they had devolved into
chronic arguers: how to make the bed, how to make music. "We were
in this decaying orbit that was going to crash and burn," says
Roth. Says Meredith, 39: "It was never a question of our not
loving each other. We would just completely butt heads, and then
we would analyze it to death. That just got us in deeper."
Roth suggested they get help. Meredith, who in her day job is a
psychiatrist, was skeptical. "I can't tell you how many patients
I have seen who have also been in marital therapy for a year or
more," she says, "and all they do is scream at each other."
They booked sessions with Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce
Busting and The Sex-Starved Marriage, who practices in Woodstock,
Ill., outside Chicago. While many marriage therapies last months
or years, Weiner-Davis says, her patients were usually out in
half a dozen visits. Her technique favors action, not
introspection.
"Traditional approaches ask people to look at the past and figure
out why they're stuck," says Weiner-Davis, whose graduate degree
is in social work. "But that insight generally leads people only
to be experts in why they're having a problem—and novices in
what to do about it. People on the brink of divorce do not have
the luxury of time to take this journey backward. They need an
instant injection of hope." Weiner-Davis encourages a dose of
what she calls "real giving"—asking couples to realize what
their partner needs in certain situations and provide what he
needs regardless of whether the giver understands it. For
example, if your spouse prefers to be alone when he's upset,
allow him quiet time, even if you prefer to talk when you're
upset.
Weiner-Davis' action-oriented scheme suited Roth and Meredith.
"It's really freeing to just focus on the solution and clear out
all the muck," says Meredith. Weiner-Davis encourages couples to
identify what they want the marriage to look like, then list
actions they can take—dinner out once a week, playing tennis or
golf together, help with the housework—to achieve those goals.
"The concept of real giving is so simple, but it really gets at
the heart of how to make a relationship work," says Meredith.
The approach appeals equally to both sexes. If a guy can be
convinced that his marriage is like a rusty carburetor or a
clogged kitchen sink, he may be stirred to fix it. "I think men
are hesitant to go into therapy because they feel they're going
to be targeted," Roth says. "Michele's approach is pragmatic and
practical. That's refreshing for a lot of men."
Some of Weiner-Davis' recipes earn hoots from others in the
fractious fraternity of couples therapists. Of her advice that
troubled couples should "just do it!"—have sex to jump-start a
passionless marriage—Schnarch retorts, "Telling low-desire
spouses to just do something just pisses them off. Most couples
seeking help are angry, and angry sex isn't very generous. These
people would rather poke each other's eyes out than stroke each
other's genitals."
But she has plenty of satisfied customers—the Roth-Merediths,
for two. They work (at their marriage) and play (she's now his
band's official bass player). And their son, 4, has noticed the
difference. When his parents fought, he used to throw things and
scream. Now he sees his parents hugging and delights in squishing
himself in to share the love. "I think it has improved the
quality of his life," says Roth. "There's a lot more laughter in
our house."
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