Monday, Dec. 7, 1998
Among the biggest threats to the future of corporate America are genetically engineered babies. They'll look cute and harmless at first, with their tiny noses and symmetrical faces. Only later will the horror reveal itself, when the generation of perfect-looking people enters the work force with no marketable skills whatsoever. Can corporations survive without engineers, economists, programmers, scientists and other skilled labor? Where will the future Fords and Sarnoffs and Jobs come from?

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Admit it: you've wondered why beautiful people rarely have any state-of-the-art skills. Are they born dumb, or does something happen to them during childhood? (Unless you're beautiful yourself, you've had those thoughts, so stop rolling your eyes and making that "phhht" sound.)

Fortunately, it hasn't mattered that beautiful people have no useful skills. There aren't enough beautiful people to damage the economy. But that situation will change, probably in your lifetime, thanks to genetic engineering. Future generations will be tall and attractive, with perfect teeth, 20/20 vision and hair that never thins. If history is our guide, these beautiful people will not be capable of operating devices created by advanced technology such as doorknobs and can openers. It will mean trouble for corporate America. It will be even worse for cats.

I think beautiful people are born with normal intelligence. But they quickly realize they don't need to fill their brains with unpleasant concepts such as nonlinear geometry and fluid dynamics. Beautiful people know they will never be asked to build a communications satellite or invent a vaccine. They know they can get all the money they need by charging ugly people to look at them. This commerce takes many forms, including marriage, television and Cosmopolitan magazine.

My theory is that people become only as knowledgeable as they need to be, based on how ugly they are. I have no proof of this, but I can tell you that when I was four years old, I scanned my relatives and realized I would grow up to be a short, bald, shy guy with glasses. This eliminated any hope of an easy career in marketing, politics, modeling or acting as host of Hollywood Squares. People who look like me need skills. Lots of them.

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