All in the Family . . . Or Not

(3 of 3)


In general, governments seem to be slowly recognizing that fathers' rights are as important as mothers' and that the laws need to acknowledge the fact that not every single parent is a woman. In Germany parents have been allowed shared custody of children after a divorce since 1998. If parents wish to have sole custody of a child they have to file a motion to have the situation altered.



"One morning, five years ago, I woke up and I knew that I was ready to have a child," says a 38-year-old Dutch career guidance consultant, who requested that her name not be used. She is recalling that moment as she sits in her spacious second-floor apartment in Amsterdam, with her young son playing nearby. There was just one problem: "I was in a very shaky relationship at the time and my partner didn't want to have children." But three weeks later, when she determined that she was pregnant, there was no question she would keep and raise her baby, even if it meant doing it on her own. "My partner and I have since broken up, but I don't regret my decision," she says.

Katy Pullara, a 35-year-old Dutch installation artist, is equally enthusiastic about her role as the single mother of six-year-old Milo. "When Milo was born, my partner Stefan and I tried to play family, but the relationship wasn't working," she says. "Luckily, Stefan and I have always been able to communicate, and we decided that we would look after Milo 50-50, and that is what we are still — more or less — doing."

A 1998 Dutch law enables unmarried and separated partners to officially register as co-parents of a child, which Pullara and Stefan did soon after the birth of Milo. "This gives us equal legal status, which is good in case something happens to one of us," she explains. "At the same time, we owe a lot to our network of family and friends. In our view, a family is not a closed unit anymore, but an open structure in which everyone can contribute. Milo is used to his two homes, and I don't think this bothers him. Stefan and I may not have chosen for each other, but we have chosen for Milo."

The rise of unmarried women, particularly those in their late 30s and 40s, who decide to raise a child on their own is one of the most striking social phenomena of recent decades, with celebrities like Madonna (pre-Guy Ritchie) bringing single parenthood out into the open. In general the stigma attached to unmarried women raising children is fading. "I think there is a different climate today," says Alison Garnham, Director of Policy for the London-based National Council for One Parent Families. "There was certainly a lot of blaming of lone parents in the '80s and '90s [in the U.K.] for all of society's ills. There is a much more reasonable approach now. There has been a toning down of the blame culture around lone parents which is a positive thing."



In their comfortable home in south London, Alex Cannell and his partner Ian Burford are excitedly talking on the telephone to caterers and photographers and to friends who have dropped by. In just 16 hours, Burford, 68, an actor and director, and Cannell, 62, a retired nurse, have a "wedding" to go to — their own. After 38 years together, the two men are among the first homosexual couples to take advantage of the London Partnership Register, established by London Mayor Ken Livingstone, that will give their relationship mayoral recognition. Although both insist that — because the registration will have no real legal standing — the short ceremony is not a marriage as such, they are nevertheless approaching it studiously and seriously, as much for the political as the personal gesture it represents. "All sorts of different kinds of relationships have evolved in society over the last 20 years," says Cannell. "People have committed themselves to each other in ways so personal and so creative, they demand to be recognized."

The couple met in 1963. Cannell was "sitting in a restaurant, minding my own business, when Ian came over. We started to converse, and have been conversing ever since." The early stages of their relationship, however, were conducted with great discretion — homosexuality between two consenting adults was illegal in Britain until 1967.

Although Burford and Cannell's "marriage" lacks legal standing, the situation is brighter for homosexual couples elsewhere in Europe. Earlier this year the Netherlands became the first European country to give homosexuals the same rights as heterosexual couples. Last month in Germany, a new law regulating the marriage of gay and lesbian couples took effect guaranteeing them the same rights as heterosexuals in such matters as inheritance and health insurance. But there's still a long way to go: critics say many of the new laws neglect to give gay couples the same rights as their straight counterparts when it comes to issues like adoption. And in other parts of Europe there's no protection at all. Although the registration of so-called domestic unions is a hot political topic in Italy, for example, homosexual unions there are not legally recognized in any form.



But if societies — and the governments they elect to office — approve of and encourage these new forms of family life, they must be prepared to pay for them in the form of child care and tax allowances — for both married and unmarried parents. "A lot of pressure could be taken off the mothers and fathers if there was better child care," says the University of Kent's Furedi. "But that isn't happening at the moment." He laments the situation in the U.K., which has the worst record in Europe for looking after preschool children, according to a recent survey by Britain's Daycare Trust. "We are going to end up like [those] societies in Spain and Portugal and Italy where women just aren't having children because they know it is impossible to have a kid and to work. As a society we are just not able to organize life to make childbearing a realistic option and that would be a very sad state of affairs."

Nevertheless, there are moves afoot in several countries to ease the burden on parents. In Germany, children of single parents take priority on kindergarten waiting lists and parents who need child care receive an annual allowance of $1,418. In France, Prime Minister Lionel Jospin recently announced a plan to set aside $130 million for daycare. And in Italy, a country with one of the lowest birthrates in the Western world, a campaign is under way to increase annual tax deductions for children from $250 a year — which, critics complain, is totally inadequate — to a more realistic $450 a year.

In other words, societies, politicians and policymakers are starting to recognize that families, whether they are nuclear or single-parent or homosexual, are part of the common good — and that children, the precious future of any society, must be cared for — no matter what kind of family they come from.