Made in China: Bad Air Day

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Now that the Chinese New Year festivities are winding down, Beijing is focusing its full attention on its 2008 Olympic bid.

The last time the capital tried to win the Games, back in the early '90s, it cleaned up the air by turning off the heat. Without clouds of charcoal dust polluting the sky, Beijing looked crisp and sharp. Unfortunately, the thousands of citizens stuck in icy buildings weren't quite so pleased. Nor, of course, was the International Olympic Committee, which denied Beijing its Olympic moment for its bad air and even worse human-rights record.

This time, Beijing is planning a little more carefully. The city government decreed that for the sake of architectural continuity, all public buildings should be painted gray -- a fitting color, since everything in the city turns that shade within minutes anyway, especially when they don't turn off the soot- producing heaters to impress foreign sport officials.

Beijing also announced that it was turning its attention to tackling a major problem. No, not extinguishing combustible Falun Gong acolytes, or hammering out the final details of China's accession into the World Trade Organization. Instead, Beijing is assigning a 100-man task force to improve the quality of the city's public bathrooms.

Toilets near top tourist sites are being upgraded and will be enhanced with fresh flower bouquets, soft lighting, piped music, marble floors and automatic flushes. The best of the bunch -- which will top the four-star ranking system -- will even sport a TV lounge, perfect for catching the finals of the beach volleyball competition, which Beijing has promised to hold in Tiananmen Square.

In a bid to combat the city's surly customer service, shop vendors are being advised to smile more, especially when overcharging dumb tourists for a Ming vase actually made the week before. The government is even offering free English classes for taxi drivers, mobile-phone operators and restaurant staff, who, until this point spoke only two English words and one acronym: "Michael Jordan" and "M.B.A."

In a fit of sloganeering overload, the city has named Beijing as the potential site of the "Green Olympics," the "Scientific and Technological Olympics," and the "Humanitarian Olympics." And showing off the city's improved English skills, a billboard near the airport welcomes visitors with a friendly but ungrammatical declaration: "New China, Great Olympic."

All throughout town, the city is papered with the new logo of the Beijing Olympics, a jaunty five-pointed star that also resembles a man performing qigong exercises. The bursts of color surrounding the figure are supposed to represent the five Olympic colors, not flames.